The Autobiography of Magneto X by Erik Lensherr

People will always try to control you. To this, I say,...

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 13:31:51 -0400

People will always try to control you. To this, I say, “Nay. I am beautiful, but unique. Like a tiger with spots or a leopard with stripes. It’s evolution. Love it, okay, compadre?”

Call me a rebel, but I have a cause. It’s called “completing an ensemble”. The greatest slaves to duty are slaves to fashion. They mocked me for wearing a helmet. They said capes were against the rules. They put me on notice for being “unfashionable” or “gauche”. Let me tell you something, gentle readers, “gauche” is French for “left”. It’s a compliment. It means you’ve left boring people who wear tweed indoors and who roll around in wheelchairs behind. I know French because after my time with the Nazis, I wandered Europe for a time sweeping floors and singing songs about castles. Cosette in the musical version of Les Miserables was based on me. That’s why she’s the only one who gets to be happy in the end, because that’s how I demand my life to be led.

But back to that time I fought a dinosaur…

p. 508, Vol. 6, The Autobiography of Magneto X, by Erik Lensherr

I don’t cry tears. I cry power. If you ever see me...

Wed, 02 May 2012 09:31:21 -0400

I don’t cry tears. I cry power.

If you ever see me crying, you’re about to fall under the spell of my charisma. If you offer me a handkerchief, you are offering me your soul.

— p. 129, Volume 7, The Autobiography of Magneto X, by Erik Lensherr

Charles was very excited to team with the CIA and the CIA was...

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 16:11:00 -0400

Charles was very excited to team with the CIA and the CIA was very excited to team with me. I was not excited. American life is quite boring. In order to keep sane in those days, I invented little games for myself. One was ghost hunting. Another was bocce ball. A third was walking better than anyone else had ever walked before. One time, I walked into a public library with such sexual gusto that the entire building erupted into an orgasmic swoon and then fainted. The only thing to be done was to kiss all of the attractive people to bring them back to life and to leave the unattractive people passed out and drooling. One man never woke up, but he did die with a smile upon his lips.

— p. 19, Vol. 3, The Autobiography of Magneto X by Erik Lensherr

Now, I play chess in the park. On Mondays and Thursdays I play...

Thu, 08 Mar 2012 12:58:00 -0500

Now, I play chess in the park. On Mondays and Thursdays I play with a ex-con man named Leroy Reynolds. He doesn’t know I know he used to be a con man. He thinks he’s still a con man conning me, but he’s not conning me. That’s why he’s an ex-con man and that’s why I always beat him. On Tuesdays and Wednesdays I play with a drag queen named Madame Mad Dumb. She is fiesty. On Fridays I round robin tournament with the lads from Dalton Academy. They tell me about how rich their parents are and I pretend to be impressed. On Saturdays, I play with a bulldog named Pryce. He wears a hat very well. And on Sundays, I play alone. I mentally grasp for the pieces. They seem harder to reach now that I’m older. I keep the other seat open. There really isn’t a single opponent who can match me, so I keep the seat empty to signify that.

Of course, there was someone once who could match me, but he’s a presumed dead smug cripple now.

I’m not sad though. I’m friends with a bulldog who plays chess and wears hats.

--p. 1476, Vol. 8, The Autobiography of Magneto X, by Erik Lensherr

Today, my body is a bastion of steely sinews and muscles shaped...

Wed, 07 Mar 2012 22:15:00 -0500

Today, my body is a bastion of steely sinews and muscles shaped by time. Then, I was as limber as an acrobat and as magnificent as a bull. A sculptor once paid me to pose as Adonis. The finished product was the most beautiful sculpture ever made, but I destroyed it because it wasn’t an accurate representation of how good I looked. I kept my body in shape by swimming, drinking mint tea and running half-marathons—but running them only by doing cartwheels. I was usually disqualified, but if I hadn’t been, I would have been an elite half-marathon cartwheeler.

My first costume was entirely wetsuit even though I did most my murdering on land. The one drawback of wearing a wetsuit is that my body distracted both my enemies and my allies. That is why, dear readers, I wear a cape now. Otherwise, my figure would steal the hearts of the world. You can’t fight for mutant rights and fend off the sexual advances of every man, woman and canine at the same time.

—p. 246, Vol. 2, The Autobiography of Magneto X, by Erik Lensherr

I am fond of reading. Through reading, we can visit other...

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 14:19:12 -0500

I am fond of reading. Through reading, we can visit other worlds and inhabit personas strange and foreign to us. I, for one, find it refreshing how almost every character I read about in a book is weaker than I am.

When I read about King Arthur’s court in The Once and Future King, I can step outside myself and imagine I am ruling Camelot, and that my hubris and stupidity are leading it to ruin. If I was King Arthur, Camelot would still exist. One, Guinevere would never have chosen a pansy like Lancelot over the virile hulk of manhood that is me. I bathe in sandlewood and champagne. Those aromas, combined with my natural tang, make me irresistible to females. Two, I would not have had an evil bastard with my sister, because that’s just poor judgment. Three, I would not have relied upon the Knights of the Round Table because I don’t need Knights. I have done the mathematics and can wield 1,283 swords at once.

The way most people watch an Arthur Miller play is how I read everything: with amused pity. Sometimes, a man must weep in empathy to remember that his tears taste like quicksilver.

Reading is so wonderfully droll.

— p. 544, Volume 7, The Autobiography of Magneto X, by Erik Lensherr

I only brought a few items with me when I moved into Charles...

Mon, 05 Mar 2012 13:50:01 -0500

I only brought a few items with me when I moved into Charles Xavier’s mansion: my brown calf-skin bomber jacket, a collection of Italian cashmere polo shirts (in all the shades of the moon), a stuffed parrot named Simon, a coin that I wanted to murder someone with, a boar bristle hair brush for my hair, three cravats, seven ties, 43 scarves and 121 turtlenecks. I also brought a pair of pants, my righteous fury and a large package.

— p. 68, Volume 3, The Autobiography of Magneto X, by Erik Lensherr

In addition to recruiting a team, Charles and I spent much of...

Mon, 05 Mar 2012 13:40:00 -0500

In addition to recruiting a team, Charles and I spent much of our time then playing chess, arguing about which Van Gogh painting was the best and solving murder mysteries. We were very good at solving mysteries because we looked good, we were witty, and we knew how to stare provocatively at one another until the case was solved.

There was the Mystery of the Chewed Up Face, in which Florida officials thought a man had fallen in a river and had his face hacked by a motor boat’s motor, but Charles and I believed it was eaten off by a manatee. Then there was the Case of the Pumpernickel Bread, wherein an old man supposedly died of a heart condition, but Charles and I surmised he had been so disgusted by a loaf of pumpernickel bread that he willed his own heart to stop in revolt. Finally, there was JFK’s assassination, which we never solved because we had broken up our alliance by that time. However, if we were still friends, I think we would have found that JFK was assassinated by a gorilla dressed like a child. It all adds up.

— p. 127, Volume 3, The Autobiography of Magneto X, by Erik Lensherr

Gentle readers, here are my thoughts on Emma Frost: She could...

Thu, 26 Jan 2012 09:49:00 -0500

Gentle readers, here are my thoughts on Emma Frost:

She could walk.

Now back to me.

I once discovered a new breed of butterfly in Peru…

— p. 31, Volume 4, The Autobiography of Magneto X, by Erik Lensherr

I never understood why, but Spiderman never had any sense of...

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 11:38:30 -0500

I never understood why, but Spiderman never had any sense of humor about Halloween. It was most distressing. I wanted to go as Gandalf one year, so I sent him a letter requesting that he light himself on fire to dress as the Balrog. He did not do this. My costume was ruined by his churlish vanity. Spiderman is incredibly vain. He is constantly fretting about how he is perceived in the papers and he was responsible for the death of his girlfriend and wants people to pity him for it. It’s like, seriously, Mr. Parker. The world doesn’t revolve around you. There are other people in the world. Just light yourself on fire, fall down a chasm and be the Balrog for me!

-p. 512, Volume 7, The Autobiography of Magneto X, by Erik Lensherr

One of my greatest talents is giving young people advice. Young...

Mon, 09 Jan 2012 13:45:54 -0500

One of my greatest talents is giving young people advice. Young people are stupid and vain and need to be reminded that they are failures at everything. The more clearly you can articulate their particular failures to them, the more likely they are to follow you around and treat you with respect. Raven followed me around for almost forty years because I once explained in one semi-coloned sentence all the ways she despised herself. My wit enraptured her.

Charles Xavier is not dumb, so he never fell for me calling him a smug cripple. He knew I was just trying to get him to follow me around. I suppose Charles had to lead people because when you’re in a wheelchair you want to be out in front so you don’t run over anyone in front of you when you go down hills.

—p. 552, Volume 4, The Autobiography of Magneto X, by Erik Lensherr

Homo sapiens ask the dumbest of questions. A human once asked...

Fri, 11 Nov 2011 14:55:45 -0500

Homo sapiens ask the dumbest of questions. A human once asked me in Geneva why I wore a pocket square. I responded by asking him why he needed to sleep at night. There are certain things that I must do simply because I must do them. I could survive without wearing a pocket square with my suit, but would that really be called living?

— p. 239, Volume 2, The Autobiography of Magneto X, by Erik Lensherr

I tried my best to make life at the mansion fun. Charles...

Mon, 31 Oct 2011 13:32:00 -0400

I tried my best to make life at the mansion fun. Charles thought I was doing it for the students, but really I was doing it for myself. I am too intelligent a person to have to suffer boredom. I decided to decorate the mansion for Halloween that year. I created wire cobwebs and hung them from the ceilings with my mind powers. I also bought a huge cauldron at the local Woolworth’s in Westchester and filled it with Tootsie Roll Pops, Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups and boxes of raisins. I left the cauldron unattended in the parlor and trained in the Danger Room. When I returned I discovered that the bratty teenagers had eaten all of the snacks. I have never been so horrified as when I discovered all of my boxes of raisins were gone. Halloween hasn’t been fun since.

—p. 666, Vol. 3, The Autobiography of Magneto X, by Erik Lensherr

HAPPY HALLOWEEN HOMO SAPIENS.

I cannot reiterate how infuriating it is to know there is a...

Mon, 10 Oct 2011 09:51:00 -0400

I cannot reiterate how infuriating it is to know there is a place where dinosaurs are real, but that Jeff Goldblum doesn’t live there. In this humble cinephile’s opinion, Goldblum’s performance as the charismatic chaotician, Dr. Ian Malcolm, elevates Jurassic Park from hum dum popcorn flick to true art. The Savage Land is nothing like the film, Jurassic Park. It’s filled with annoying people and their annoying saber tooth tiger companions. The people only wear pelts and therefore have no enthusiasm for great costume design or pattern making. Worst of all, there is no gift shop. If I have to spend a few days of my life tossing rocks at a Tyrannosaurus Rex, then I want to be able to purchase a fanny pack to commemorate the experience. Did you know that in the Savage Land, smug cripples can walk again? When smug cripples aren’t crippled anymore, they just become smugger. They mock you for tossing rocks at a Tyrannosaurus Rex and remind you that you still owe them $14 from a shuffleboard match in 1962.

I really wish Jeff Goldblum was my best friend.

—p. 511, Vol. 6, The Autobiography of Magneto X, by Erik Lensherr

I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I had...

Wed, 05 Oct 2011 11:53:11 -0400

I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I had stayed with Charles and taught at his school. I think I would have set up an entire year’s curriculum on the importance of scarves. How to wear them, how to knot them, the differences between ascots and pashminas… These are subjects that I think the children of today should know more about. I also would have taught the children how to kill people without feeling remorse. It’s an acquired skill that takes years of mastery. However, if you harbor enough bitterness in your heart and listen to enough Tony Bennett, you can do it.

—p. 356, Volume 4, The Autobiography of Magneto X, by Erik Lensherr

Charles assembled us in the Blackbird. It was to be a most...

Fri, 23 Sep 2011 15:50:54 -0400

Charles assembled us in the Blackbird. It was to be a most auspicious battle. Mutants battling mutants battling human armies who were battling stupidity. I was anxious. I’m not typically anxious. I feel like anxiety is just for college students and Olympic high divers. I wasn’t nervous that I would die, though. I was nervous about being stuck in a plane for more than an hour with a bunch of teenagers. Teenagers do this thing sometimes where they release gas from their colon and try to blame it on other people. I’m told it’s called “farting”. I have never farted. I have no idea why others enjoy it so much. If I ever did fart, I think I would lock myself in a panic room and flagellate myself in punishment for my body’s crude, and rare, imperfection. Everyone who farts should remove themselves from society forever in shame. And so, the only people left alive on Earth would be me, Charles Xavier and a mermaid named Nadine that I met once in Barbados who couldn’t fart because she had a fish tale.

— p. 1109, Volume 3, The Autobiography of Magneto X, by Erik Lensherr

I ran towards the building seeking my prey. I moved fast, as I...

Thu, 15 Sep 2011 15:43:57 -0400

I ran towards the building seeking my prey. I moved fast, as I am a wonderful sprinter. There is nothing like pumping your legs towards the sky and feeling the cold rush of wind at your face. There was some kind of barrier closing off the path. I used my powers of magnetism to open it as I hate paying tolls and I can’t stand to show my ID if I’m in the pursuit of sweet justice. EZ Pass was one of the greatest inventions ever to help the cause of people on missions of vengeance. I heard Charles puff and cough as he struggled to jog behind me. As always, I was in front. And as always, Charles was running after me, desperate to be at my side.

—p. 534, Volume 3, The Autobiography of Magneto X, by Erik Lensherr

I always travel with an entourage. It’s good to have...

Tue, 13 Sep 2011 10:29:00 -0400

I always travel with an entourage. It’s good to have smaller people around you to fetch things like champagne, dry cleaning and nuclear missiles. Sometimes I throw a little metal ball across the room with my mind just to ask one of the younger mutants around me to run after it, pick it up and bring it back. It’s a power play, of course, but I do like to see teenagers scamper around like dogs. Having an entourage lets strangers know to take you seriously. The more impressive your groupies are, the more impressive you look. For instance, Mystique could have morphed into any form. I could have walked arm in arm into any casino in Monaco with a young Angela Lansbury. Damn, I would have looked sharp. But I needed her to show her true form so that strangers understood that I am a demi-god. Though, sometimes, for fun, she would become old Angela Lansbury and we would pretend to solve crimes. I love engaging in little larks from time to time—but then it’s back to conquering the human race.

—p. 671, Vol. 6, The Autobiography of Magneto X, by Erik Lensherr

I have been tortured. I have been wounded. I have been forced...

Thu, 08 Sep 2011 13:52:06 -0400

I have been tortured. I have been wounded. I have been forced to wear polyester in the summertime. However, the worst pain I have ever experienced is heartbreak. There are times in our lives when we open ourselves up to others. We let them into our hearts, our homes, our gold tile Russian steam rooms. We trick ourselves into believing that if we trust this person, the two of you will create a greater whole. Greatness occurs. And then, suddenly that person is gone. They betray you by choosing the side of a Scottish scientist with split ends or they leave you to spend more time on their autoharp playing career or they are torn apart on a cellular scale by a mentally unhinged telepath. I don’t know, it could be anything. What matters is you are alone again. You replay the last moments you had with that person and pretend they didn’t happen. It was all just a terrible scene from an unfaithful film adaptation of your life. The real problem is that you are alone again. You feel as though something was ripped away. Like you were lounging on a yacht and someone came out of nowhere and tore your ascot off. Now your Adam’s apple feels cold and exposed. How horrid.

The thing I have learned to remember is that even alone, I am magnificence incarnate. That greatness that I shared as a pairing or duo—that greatness was great—but that greatness was mostly just me. Saying this helps most of the time; eating strawberries dipped in Godiva chocolate helps the rest of it.

—p. 1, Volume 8, The Autobiography of Magneto X, by Erik Lensherr

I have a holiday tradition. I lock myself in a panic room and...

Mon, 05 Sep 2011 22:07:17 -0400

I have a holiday tradition. I lock myself in a panic room and dance to all of the Bee Gees’s collective hits. My cape billows behind me in joy. I groove with the beat. I perspire elation. No one sees me but the gods. My happiness is my loneliness. My holiday is a groove armada of one.

—p. 294, Volume 7, The Autobiography of Magneto X, by Erik Lensherr

Happy Labor Day to all Americans and people who aren’t American. Groove.