Some men are afraid of the dark. I am not. When I stare into the shadows, the shadows are afraid of me. They flee from their gaze. My eyes burn like Maglight brand flashlights. That’s why I called myself Mag-neto…because my eyes are Mag-lights. The magnetism thing was a convenient coincidence. Like a windsurfer, I go with it.
—p. 29, Volume 2, The Autobiography of Magneto X, by Erik Lensherr
To be completely honest, I don’t remember much about the 1970s. I can’t tell if it was because of my love of recreationally imbibing laudanum or if it was because I was inexplicably a part of some time traveling hoo-ha jamboree.
The thing about time travel is that there’s no way to know how often you’ve done it. Or if you’ve done it. It’s like sex like that.
Anyway, what little I can recall of the 70s now involves Charles somehow learning to walk again. He was a very smug bipedal and he wore his facial hair like Jesus. You know Jesus, right? He’s a drug dealer down on Santa Monica boulevard. Jesus knew how to make laudanum that made me feel like I could fly and so I decided to teach myself how to fly without it. I’m determined like that.
The 1970s were also about neckerchiefs. There was a little boutique called JC Penneys in suburban Sedona that sold neckerchiefs for only $3. I often think about JC Penneys. Men need neckerchiefs like butterflies need wings: without them we are but worms.
—p. 17, Volume 5, The Autobiography of Magneto X, by Erik Lensherr
People will always try to control you. To this, I say, “Nay. I am beautiful, but unique. Like a tiger with spots or a leopard with stripes. It’s evolution. Love it, okay, compadre?”
Call me a rebel, but I have a cause. It’s called “completing an ensemble”. The greatest slaves to duty are slaves to fashion. They mocked me for wearing a helmet. They said capes were against the rules. They put me on notice for being “unfashionable” or “gauche”. Let me tell you something, gentle readers, “gauche” is French for “left”. It’s a compliment. It means you’ve left boring people who wear tweed indoors and who roll around in wheelchairs behind. I know French because after my time with the Nazis, I wandered Europe for a time sweeping floors and singing songs about castles. Cosette in the musical version of Les Miserables was based on me. That’s why she’s the only one who gets to be happy in the end, because that’s how I demand my life to be led.
But back to that time I fought a dinosaur…
p. 508, Vol. 6, The Autobiography of Magneto X, by Erik Lensherr
I don’t cry tears. I cry power.
If you ever see me crying, you’re about to fall under the spell of my charisma. If you offer me a handkerchief, you are offering me your soul.
— p. 129, Volume 7, The Autobiography of Magneto X, by Erik Lensherr
Charles was very excited to team with the CIA and the CIA was very excited to team with me. I was not excited. American life is quite boring. In order to keep sane in those days, I invented little games for myself. One was ghost hunting. Another was bocce ball. A third was walking better than anyone else had ever walked before. One time, I walked into a public library with such sexual gusto that the entire building erupted into an orgasmic swoon and then fainted. The only thing to be done was to kiss all of the attractive people to bring them back to life and to leave the unattractive people passed out and drooling. One man never woke up, but he did die with a smile upon his lips.
— p. 19, Vol. 3, The Autobiography of Magneto X by Erik Lensherr
I only brought a few items with me when I moved into Charles Xavier’s mansion: my brown calf-skin bomber jacket, a collection of Italian cashmere polo shirts (in all the shades of the moon), a stuffed parrot named Simon, a coin that I wanted to murder someone with, a boar bristle hair brush for my hair, three cravats, seven ties, 43 scarves and 121 turtlenecks. I also brought a pair of pants, my righteous fury and a large package.
— p. 68, Volume 3, The Autobiography of Magneto X, by Erik Lensherr
In addition to recruiting a team, Charles and I spent much of our time then playing chess, arguing about which Van Gogh painting was the best and solving murder mysteries. We were very good at solving mysteries because we looked good, we were witty, and we knew how to stare provocatively at one another until the case was solved.
There was the Mystery of the Chewed Up Face, in which Florida officials thought a man had fallen in a river and had his face hacked by a motor boat’s motor, but Charles and I believed it was eaten off by a manatee. Then there was the Case of the Pumpernickel Bread, wherein an old man supposedly died of a heart condition, but Charles and I surmised he had been so disgusted by a loaf of pumpernickel bread that he willed his own heart to stop in revolt. Finally, there was JFK’s assassination, which we never solved because we had broken up our alliance by that time. However, if we were still friends, I think we would have found that JFK was assassinated by a gorilla dressed like a child. It all adds up.
— p. 127, Volume 3, The Autobiography of Magneto X, by Erik Lensherr
I never understood why, but Spiderman never had any sense of humor about Halloween. It was most distressing. I wanted to go as Gandalf one year, so I sent him a letter requesting that he light himself on fire to dress as the Balrog. He did not do this. My costume was ruined by his churlish vanity. Spiderman is incredibly vain. He is constantly fretting about how he is perceived in the papers and he was responsible for the death of his girlfriend and wants people to pity him for it. It’s like, seriously, Mr. Parker. The world doesn’t revolve around you. There are other people in the world. Just light yourself on fire, fall down a chasm and be the Balrog for me!
-p. 512, Volume 7, The Autobiography of Magneto X, by Erik Lensherr
One of my greatest talents is giving young people advice. Young people are stupid and vain and need to be reminded that they are failures at everything. The more clearly you can articulate their particular failures to them, the more likely they are to follow you around and treat you with respect. Raven followed me around for almost forty years because I once explained in one semi-coloned sentence all the ways she despised herself. My wit enraptured her.
Charles Xavier is not dumb, so he never fell for me calling him a smug cripple. He knew I was just trying to get him to follow me around. I suppose Charles had to lead people because when you’re in a wheelchair you want to be out in front so you don’t run over anyone in front of you when you go down hills.
—p. 552, Volume 4, The Autobiography of Magneto X, by Erik Lensherr
I tried my best to make life at the mansion fun. Charles thought I was doing it for the students, but really I was doing it for myself. I am too intelligent a person to have to suffer boredom. I decided to decorate the mansion for Halloween that year. I created wire cobwebs and hung them from the ceilings with my mind powers. I also bought a huge cauldron at the local Woolworth’s in Westchester and filled it with Tootsie Roll Pops, Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups and boxes of raisins. I left the cauldron unattended in the parlor and trained in the Danger Room. When I returned I discovered that the bratty teenagers had eaten all of the snacks. I have never been so horrified as when I discovered all of my boxes of raisins were gone. Halloween hasn’t been fun since.
—p. 666, Vol. 3, The Autobiography of Magneto X, by Erik Lensherr
HAPPY HALLOWEEN HOMO SAPIENS.